A Heart, I No Longer Trust
Let me just say before I get started, I know that sounds terrible, it sounded bad when I said it to myself. Allow me to explain, most of us have a heart we rarely think about unless we are short of breath, maybe after a run, or having a panic attack. I used to think about my heart like that also, years ago. I assumed it would always beat and do whatever it was supposed to do without much pondering. Well, about 17 years ago, my heart betrayed my trust. How, did it betray me you ask? I had a heart attack and, my heart stopped beating the way it was supposed to, and, like most betrayals it took me by surprise. I was 41 years old, and in good health, why, would I think of such a betrayal? Exactly, I would not.
From that time till now, my heart continued to betray me in the form of a heart attack time and time again, with continued chest pain. I’ve had to limit my activity, I no longer work in the traditional sense outside the home. I don’t drive as often as I would like, because I might get stuck somewhere, and because of sudden pain, can not drive home. Also, the stress of driving causes chest pain. This situation has me looking and living life differently. I never thought I would see the day where my body would betray me in this way. I had life plans that had to be cancelled. My husband and children who were once able to depend on me, were no longer able to do so. I was no longer able to contribute to the home the way I was accustomed. I also couldn’t be the type of mother to my children that I wanted to be.
My whole world came crashing down on me, as a result my heart continued to betray me, and it did so at anytime. I could be doing nothing or something, and it would have its way with me. One day I’m resting, trying to adjust to my new normal, and the next I’m racked with so much pain I’m in the hospital. After a few times of this I decided to ask the one who made my heart, God. Fortunately I have a relationship with God so I was able to go to him directly in prayer, and ask, how could my heart betray me in such a way. I also asked, would this situation be my ultimate demise? After a few nights of questioning, I finally got my answer.
Well, I’m still here so the answer to the question of weather or not it would be my demise was No. The complete answer was, this sickness was not unto death, but to glorify God, that the son of man might be glorified. I don’t need to trust my heart to do the right thing because I trust God. I am to recognize God is in control and also give him glory. Nothing is going to take me out without God saying yes. God has the final say, not my heart or the doctors. We often hear that all things work together for our good. As you could imagine I could not wrap my head around that statement at the time however, I later realized how to give God glory through the situation. How do I give God glory you ask? By sharing my testimony as often, and to as many people who are willing to listen. By remembering to thank God for my life, it’s not what I thought it would be, but I am alive and living my purpose. So, its actually not so bad that I don’t trust my heart, Its not even that bad that it betrayed me, because my trust, is in the one who made my heart.
A word of encouragement, my life as I knew it changed, but a new life emerged. I am still a wife and mother as well as, a blogger, published author, mentor, and business owner, all for the glory of God. God is no respecter of person, he did it for me he will do it for you also.